For centuries, sloths have been caricatured as the essence of laziness. But the stigma no longer applies. Choloepus (the two-toed sloth), has been replaced by homo diurnalis (the creator of headlines for daily newspapers and tabloids). Gone are the raffish days of HEADLESS BODY IN TOPLESS BAR, the immortal New York Post headline written by V.A. Musetto, who died this week at the age of 74. Now, prudently avoiding any semblance of originality, headline writers reach into a deep bag of bromides. No follow-through is attempted, nor any examination of stats or claims. Worse still, these worn-out headers are offered as if they had never been printed before.
The run-up to the 2016 presidential election presents a cornucopia of clichés:
ANOTHER GOP HAT THROWN IN CROWDED RING
HILLARY DUCKS PRESS
O’MALLEY, WARREN, CHRISTIE, WALKER, CRUZ, CARSON, FIORINA, RUBIO (AD NAUSEUM) CARRIES HEAVY BAGGAGE
But headline writers don’t need politics to bore from within. With little effort, they can render their papers fit for recycling before reading. Here are a few chestnuts culled from recent dailies. No doubt readers have their own favorites:
PLAGUE OF OBESITY HITS AMERICA
HOMINID SKULL OLDER THAN ORIGINALLY THOUGHT
POOR GET INFERIOR MEDICAL CARE, STUDY FINDS
HOUSE CONTAINED 96 CATS, DOGS
ROCK STAR IN REHAB AFTER OVERDOSE
RETIREMENT “A PERIOD OF STRESS” SAY PSYCHOLOGISTS
POPE DECRIES VIOLENCE
ISIS VOWS REVENGE
MEN, WOMEN THINK DIFFERENTLY, SURVEY SUGGESTS
SHARPTON ACCUSES POLICE OF BIAS
GENES, DIET, EXERCISE KEYS TO LONGEVITY SAY RESEARCHERS
HAMAS VOWS REVENGE
SCIENTISTS ARGUE OVER GLOBAL WARMING
“ASSUMED PHONE CALL WAS JOKE” SAYS NOBEL PRIZEWINNER
CASINO TRANSFORMS LIFE FOR WESTERN TRIBE
BOKO HARAM VOWS REVENGE
PROFESSIONAL SPORTS RIFE WITH CORRUPTION
UNRULY CROWDS PROTEST GLOBALIZATION
HEZBOLLAH VOWS REVENGE
According to the Pew Research Center, millennials no longer get their information from the papers. They are rapidly being joined by other groups, who turn to the Internet and cable for news. Small wonder, then, that advertisers are spending their money elsewhere. Can there be any doubt that this headline will be parroted incessantly in the near future—and the far one?
NEWSPAPERS IN STEEP DECLINE—JOURNALIST JOBS LIKEWISE