TO: ADOLF HITLER
FROM: REINHARD TRISTAN EUGEN HEYDRICH
DATELINE: HELL
Mein Führer: Our stein runneth over! Neo-Nazi groups are resurgent in Europe. Copies of the anti-Semitic forgery The Protocols of the Elders of Zion are vigorously peddled throughout the Islamic nations of the Middle East. Holocaust deniers are invited to speak at Ivy League campuses.
Seven decades ago, you put me in charge of the Jewish Question. And, at the Wannsee Conference, I came up with the immortal euphemism, The Final Solution. Of course, it led to my coming down here several years ahead of you, great leader. As the world knows, Czech guerrillas fatally shot up my open-top Mercedes. But you avenged me: the village of Lidice was destroyed in my name, and the murder of Jews continued, just as you predicted in Mein Kampf, and just as I outlined at Wannsee:
Under suitable direction, the Jews should be brought to the East in the course of the Final Solution, for use as labor. In large labor gangs, with the sexes separated, the Jews capable of work will be transported to those areas and set to road-building, in the course of which, without doubt, a large part of them will fall away through natural losses. The surviving remnant, surely those with the greatest powers of resistance, will be given special treatment, since, if freed, they would constitute the germinal cell for the re-creation of Jewry.
Who could deny our motives? Only liars and moral idiots. Of course there are plenty of these throughout the world. But even I never expected to find outspoken allies in the land that had so thoroughly destroyed the Third Reich. Mein Führer, mark well the name of this organization; it will be of much use to us in the future. They call themselves the Freedom from Religion Foundation (FFRF). The membership is comprised of self-promoting atheists, and their latest demand is, if I may say so, worthy of me.
The Foundation objects to a Holocaust memorial at the Ohio statehouse. Why, I hear you ask? Because the design includes a Star of David, the symbol of the Jewish faith and icon on the flag of Israel. In a letter to former Ohio state senator Richard Finan, chairman of the board that oversees the capitol’s grounds, FFRF suggests that instead of its current design, “the monument could resemble numerous powerful war memorials across the U.S. which do not use any sectarian images, including the national World War II Memorial, the Vietnam Veterans Memorial and the Korean War Veterans Memorial.” Besides, using the Star of David would exclude 5 million victims of the Holocaust who were members of other persecuted groups, such as “gays, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Roma Gypsies, the disabled and many others.”
The memorial, alas, will be built as intended—but is this protest not wunderbar, great leader? We spent a dozen years forcing Jews to wear the Star of David on their sleeves, murdering as many of them as possible, using them for medical experiments, and gassing them in in death camps throughout Eastern Europe. We made their persecution the model of annihilation for all non-Aryan inferior types—and now the FFRF states that the Jews of Ohio cannot recognize the primary victims of genocide, many of whom were their own relatives. How well the German proverb puts it: Es ist keiner so blind, wie der, der nicht sehen will. Those who will not see—they are the most blind.
Sightless, insensitive, self-absorbed, the FFRF has inadvertently enlisted in our cause. Let us raise our glasses to these useful atheists. Prosit!